When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.