When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Scream sneezers need love too.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.