when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.