[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.