When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.