when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.