When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”


I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.


My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.


Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.


Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite


kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter


I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.


My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.