When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
o shit
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Facebook memories be like
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me