@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

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@stephenjmolloy

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

@PanettaSexyTime

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

@Vice_Queen

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

@gbergan

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

@_SingleBabyMama

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

@RunOldMan

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.