When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
💯😂