When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
what
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me too, bag. Me too….
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?