when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Huge, if true.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t