When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell