when someone rings the doorbell
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps