When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
#milo
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.