When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You Might Also Like
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES