When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂