When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.