When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
He’s dead
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.