When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
no such thing as a dumb question
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.