When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.