When someone says you are so lazy
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?