@ITomHorvat

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

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@XplodingUnicorn

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

@mattZillaaaa

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@Jenny4ashley

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

@mrjohndarby

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

@xLiserx

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

@SaddleLawman

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

@oh_porter

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me