@XplodingUnicorn I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
@ITomHorvat When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@mattZillaaaa What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
@peteholmes train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
@Jenny4ashley [leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
@mrjohndarby Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
@xLiserx *Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
@SaddleLawman Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
@oh_porter “The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
@ThisLocalHater Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
@themorris23 I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me