I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me