When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
craving $300 all of a sudden
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Every time.