When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My dream job is getting paid to dream
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
courtroom exchange of the day
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.