When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo