When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’