When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Cat.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years