When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Mhm.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
this chia pet tastes awful
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no