When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
(2022)
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time