When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.