When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: