When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
guilty
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”