When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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I’m crying im so happy for them
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.