When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired