When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Proofread twice, hang posters once