when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Potatoes were such a good idea
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
back to work
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.