When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
You Might Also Like
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
quarantine day 3
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?