When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”