when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.