When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Good news
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Important reminders
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.