When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
oh no, steve’s working tonight
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
How actors in movies eat their food
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo