when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am