When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
mood
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.