When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
reviewed some movies recently
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.