Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Life hack

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.