when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?