when the author kills off your favorite character πππ
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Normally donβt love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5β8 self believed them
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I donβt care about to confess?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. Iβll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Iβm starting yoga today and If my body isnβt perfect by noon, Iβm quitting.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying βOK love you bye,β they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually