when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…