Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@themorris23

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

@amburgklur

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

@idiosity

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

@panmidwest

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

@krissywillbretz

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

@ShawnIzadi

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

@ScottLinnen

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.