When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My Sentiments Exactly
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
The answer is funnier than the question