When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”


Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-


Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.


I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.


ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no


*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.


Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.


me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog


Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*


Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.