When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
pat pat
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When I said I liked it rough.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope