When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
what could possibly go wrong?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.