When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
#Caturday
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
The sacred texts.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo