When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
the saddest jazz hands ever
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?